I hear footsteps, doors, and the fucking microwave. I made sure everyone is asleep in my house. What the fucking hell. I know I’m paranoid as fuck, but what gives?
so there was a bug in my room so i got my mom to kill it because i hate bugs and then she was like
"you have to learn to kill bugs for your girlfriend"
and i was like
"ill get my boyfriend to do it"
and thats how i came out to my mom
INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE who are simultaneously GIANT DORKS are my ULTIMATE WEAKNESS
50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”
sometimes i think i’m sassy and then i realize i’m just too sarcastic and borderline mean
HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT JUST HEARING THEIR NAME OR SEEING A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES YOU SO HAPPY YOU HAVE TO SIT THERE A MOMENT BECAUSE YOU CANT STOP SMILING
let’s just watch movies in just our underwear and kiss a lot
i want to give you a hand job but with a crab claw
when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank
they’re married now