I hear footsteps, doors, and the fucking microwave. I made sure everyone is asleep in my house. What the fucking hell. I know I’m paranoid as fuck, but what gives?

  • teacher: alright fold your papers in half
  • entire class: hot dog or hamburger
Anonymous asked: my goodness you're beautiful.

My goodness, thank you!

oheska:

so there was a bug in my room so i got my mom to kill it because i hate bugs and then she was like

"you have to learn to kill bugs for your girlfriend"

and i was like

"ill get my boyfriend to do it"

and thats how i came out to my mom

ebrodevo:

INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE who are simultaneously GIANT DORKS are my ULTIMATE WEAKNESS

soufflesandbowties:

50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”

astoundly:

sometimes i think i’m sassy and then i realize i’m just too sarcastic and borderline mean

jadefef:

HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT JUST HEARING THEIR NAME OR SEEING A PICTURE OF THEM MAKES YOU SO HAPPY YOU HAVE TO SIT THERE A MOMENT BECAUSE YOU CANT STOP SMILING

riyal:

let’s just watch movies in just our underwear and kiss a lot

"Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too."

unclefather:

i want to give you a hand job but with a crab claw

leonkumquat:

when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank

they’re married now

skypestripper:

its not good sex unless u have to glue ur penis back on

titan